20 August 2015

And Now She's Five Months Old

GRETA!!! Baby lady, you are 5 (I would like to use the F word as an adjective here, but will refrain) months old. Seriously, my mind is blown. We have made it almost half a year. And just to let you know, my Gretie Spaghetti, I am still pumping milk for you 5 times/day. I love you that much. It really sucks, but I love you more than it sucks. You will, however, nurse your left big toe and I am honestly offended and jealous of that piggie. That piggie is not going to the Market anytime soon. You are a champ at rolling over and once you have done it a few times and you are on your tummy you dig those little feet into the ground, stick up that little tush and grunt and groan, trying with all your might to propel forward. It is so cute, I even let you get a little frustrated doing it because I'm so tired I need something to make me laugh... where do you think you're going anyway? My poor kids. I mean, what kind of mother does this kind of stuff?  I do! And one of my friends recently told me I'm a 'fun mom', so I'm not going to stop. You laugh and you giggle and it is so sweet, my black heart turns pink for a few minutes and prickles recede. The best way to make you laugh and smile is to make a modified monkey sound, to repeatedly kiss your chubby little thighs or cheeks, or to have you watch Jude do anything. We all love you soooooooooooooo much. Oh baby, we are glad you are here.

^where does she think she's going, anyway??^

Happy happy 5 months to you. We are anxiously awaiting your teeth. 

Okay, onward we go. Jude is, of course, super cute these days too. He talks and talks, likes to 'joke' Dan and I, will do anything for a lollipop, and knows who is an Avenger and who is not. He's really interested in spelling and what letter a word starts with. His repertoire of songs he can sing is slowly growing and he can hold the tune pretty well for a Three Three. And we got rid of his binky/soother ages ago.... but sometimes the binky fairy brings it back when extra hard days hit and Dan does not like this. My favorite thing is when he starts really laughing on his own. Usually America's Funniest Videos will get him going and it is so incredibly adorable. Jude is also really good at playing make believe these days, all on his own too. He's so sweet when he does it, he will say "Hulk is angry again, said Ironman," like he's reading a book. It is so endearing.

My heart is full. My days are full. I am exhausted. I love these sweet little people. My back aches. My eyes pulsate. I am spent. This is what anxiously engaged in a good cause looks like for my life right now and I love it, I love this full, exhausting life.

(I'm getting a massage this weekend to help with a few of those things.)

04 August 2015

I'm just blogging here.

I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore. It's been terribly heartbreaking. I really thought and I really believed that Scott Disick was playing the part of bad boyfriend for the show. I mean, why would someone stay with someone like him? He is in fact quite funny and entertaining but I guess he really is somewhat of a rotten little turd. Which breaks my heart because now everything I thought about Reality TV is probably not true. So it's not scripted, so there are not roles that need to be played, so these are indeed their actual lives and their actual realities. Hold the phone please, I need some time to sit down and process this, collect my thoughts, and figure out how I am going to continue living. Just when you think life has thrown you enough curve balls, right??! How could all that be real, honestly. Entertaining, yes, but real... I was okay with it not being real. But now this one thing makes all of it feel so real and is now hard to process. They actually live like that. Mind blown. My escape looks so different to me now.

So those are the deep dark thoughts in my sleep deprived mind these days. We had a friend over for dinner and he was very knowledgable about the current state of American Politics. I am not. I just think Donald Trump could be a pretty fun President, but beyond that I'm just not that interested. The next day Jude was asking me what I knew. After already feeling a little silly for really knowing zilch about politics I was like... what the eff do I know? And then I wanted to get smart again. I want to sit down with a thought provoking book and think about things like I used to. I want to have some original ideas and do things with them. But then I fell asleep because I was so tired. I think this season of my life is about my family, and me (of course), but it's all just a little different than it used to be. I wonder what it would be like to work full time and have babies- would work be the stimulation that I am craving or would I just be tired doing something else as opposed to just being tired in my day to day life. Who knows. Maybe I'll get smart again and find out.

What else. I love my sweet little babies. I put Greta in the park swing yesterday and it pleased me. I didn't swing her because I thought she would slip right through those leg holes and I don't want a pancake baby. Jude sure loves 'his' baby. When she finally wakes up he gets so excited and says in his baby voice "Ohhhhhhhhh awwwwweeee my sweet little baby is awake! Just look at those cute toes! Ohhhhhhh I love her so much!" It is basically what dreams are made of. I can always tell if he's been kissing her as forehead will have some kind of residue- crumbs, chocolate smear, a little peanut butter.. just depends on the day.

Well, some things that I do know for sure include: the smell of clean children coming out of the bath, how to make a certain 4 month old laugh and giggle, how to coax Jude into a late afternoon nap, how to expertly cuddle, what it feels like to have their sweet little hands curled up in mine. Those really are great things to know... one day I'll remember them but it won't be the same as knowing them as I do now.

23 July 2015

Four Months Old!

Well. Did the you-know-what ever hit the fan at two months old. Here is  a very long story made short.

Poor Greta was tongue tied but it went undiagnosed and untreated until she was about 2 months old when she stopped gaining weight. She could have stopped gaining before that, but that was when we had a doctor appointment and saw the numbers. My heart just sank when she was placed on the scale and I realized she had gained only 6 or so ounces since her last visit. Sad face. We have been through a lot over here and it's still not resolved. We had her posterior tongue tie and her upper lip tie revised by laser on June 24th and she is still learning how to suck properly. She was an older baby for the procedure and has been pretty slow to learn how to use her new, longer, tongue. Damn that muscle memory. She is seeing a chiropractor which is suppose to help loosen up all the muscles that she was using to compensate for her little tongue and we are on the waiting list to be seen at the feeding and swallowing clinic at the hospital here. I feel like I'm in Canada, being on some medical wait list! And people say health care is so much better in the US. I think it's pretty much the same just with different challenges.

With her poor sucking abilities I'm still pumping all the live long day and she takes a bottle. I'd really like to nurse her because Jude and I enjoyed it for so long and I really want that same relationship with Greta. I don't know if it's realistic anymore though. I've been pumping for almost 2 months as at the beginning of June Greta started refusing to nurse because it was too physically difficult for her. Ohhhhh my poor baby! And, according to the Lactation Consultant that is about when my milk supply started to level out and it was even harder for Greta to get milk because it did not flow as freely. I'm pretty torn up about it all and mostly in the anger phase of grieving- I'm so effing mad at the hospital staff. No one who examined her there caught her posterior tongue tie. Not the pediatrician who examined and discharged her, the lactation consultant we saw there, the nurses... and I was none the wiser. If you are about to have a baby demand that your sweet little one be examined for lip ties, anterior and posterior tongue ties, if you want to nurse. I feel like our nursing relationship was just taken away from us. If babies have a revision when they are just days old they typically bounce right back and nurse like champs. I want two babies people, I can't just go having a third because I want to nurse. So I'm pumping. Oh am I pumping. I'll give it another month of appointments, therapy and prayer, and pumping but then I'll probably start supplementing and pumping less as I'm going slightly insane. I really hope she can learn to nurse properly but right now she typically gets frustrated and upset when she tries :/. We keep trying though- gently, patiently, and slowly as I don't want her to have an aversion to nursing. Like I said, I just don't know if nursing is even realistic for us anymore... I am so mad and oh so sad. 

That there is a long story, thanks for staying with me. 
Greta turned 4 months old yesterday though (well a couple days ago, I haven't had a chance to finish this post...). And she is just the sweetest little thing. She loves her mother with a fierce devotion, poor Dan, poor anyone else. She smiles all the time and loves watching Jude. She typically wakes up really happy- cooing and singing her songs. She still sleeps in her bassinet in our bedroom as I just can't bare her to be too far away from me yet and she is still waking up at least once during the night. I honestly don't know when I'll put her in the crib. She is gaining weight now that I pump and give her a bottle, so she has the cutest little rolly polly's that are far too kissable. Between pumping, mugging on my baby, all her appointments, and still being in complete adoration of my Jude boy, things like my baseboards have gone completely neglected and also my hair. Somehow though, I've still managed to get meals on the table. I'm a ravenous pumping mother, I guess. I want to eat all the time, no I need to eat all the time! Greta is almost rolling over, but not quite yet. She doesn't have any teeth but is constantly chomping on her little hands so something must be going on in her gingiva. We shall see! Jude got his first tooth at 4 months almost to the day. Gosh we just love this little girl. Babies are a lot of work, things never turn out how you want them too, but behind the work and perhaps the frustrations, lies love, and so very much of it.

Four months of Greta and we can't wait for more.

20 May 2015

TWO MONTHS OLD and other musings

My sweet Great Girl is T W O months old! I can hardly believe it. She is a wonderful little thing and of course, a wonderful cliche, we love her to bits. Ohhhhh Greta!!!

Right now things are still pretty chill. My sweet newborn is starting to wake up to the world. She's smiling and cooing and tires her best to keep her eyes on that big brother of hers, which is hard, because he has ants in his pants. Ask him to check for the ants next time you see him, it's adorable. Little Greta wants to be held more these days but I don't even mind. My dishes may be piling up but so is my snuggle time, so who cares. This little lady will only snuggle me for so long. Well, Jude still snuggles the crap out of me when he gets the chance so maybe my snuggles with Greta will last just as long. If chance would fall upon me. 

Today I was going through some old pictures of University, of Paris, of my mission, and so on and so forth, and I was so amazed at all the unique opportunities I've got to experience in my life so far. Life has so many different seasons and I do my best to enjoy each as much as I can. Looking at all the old pictures I was reminded of certain things I was hoping for and wanting to happing right then and next and tomorrow for goodness sake, and why not already. But, I was also reminded of the happiness, even the sadness, I had exactly at those moments and so grateful that I got to be there. I just really love life and everything all the time and POSTPARTUM HORMONES make me so gushy. Oh life is so beautiful. Are you rolling your eyes yet? I'll stop. I just love loving things. And now I have kids who get to experience that stuff too. It      is     all       so       beautiful. ..... even when it's not. 

After much thought and soul searching I've decided to leave my blog public for now. I may not talk as much about my kids or put as many pictures of them on here, but I'll still be around, until I'm not. 

News around here, I started to be serious about losing my baby/brownie weight. I call it that because 2 months in I'm pretty sure my body has rid itself of all the baby libbers and now we are working on what the brownies did to me. Well, I guess I let them.

I really believe I can stick to my healthy eating and exercise. In fact I know I can. Greta's birth was so cathartic for me and it gave me the confidence and strength I have been lacking for sometime. There is absolutely nothing wrong with epidurals and c-sections and pain medication. They are all amazing tools that help bring life into this world and I've used some of them myself. For Greta's birth though, It felt like my soul was in deep need of believing in itself again. I needed to believe that I was strong and I longed to see the proof. I needed a reboot. And good God, there is nothing like a natural labor to reboot oneself. I feel like I could wrestle a physical/mental Hulk and win. Anyway, in a very corny way I honestly feel like I'm drawing from Greta's birth experience to help me have the strength and will to feed my body what it needs to be healthy and strong. I'm harnessing that energy you guys, and I'm going to use it all over the place, not just in the kitchen, but, also in the kitchen. I'm pretty excited. When I get  brave enough I'll post some before and after pictures.

And to take us out, Jude says the sweetest things these days. I love watching the wheels spin in his head as he puts things together. We were driving to Greta's 2 month check up today and a few minutes into the trip he says "Mom, will your stretching marks go away?" It was so sweet. I said yes, because, well, they do fade, which for me is as good as it's gonna get, and I don't even mind.

04 May 2015


Hello my dear readers!! If anyone is out there anymore ;).

I want to start blogging more for my family (family updates, journaling...) and I've made the decision to make this blog private, mostly so I can put more cute pictures of Jude in his underwear and not have it keep me up at night. I mean, pedophiles are real and my kids are too precious. 

So, if you'd like to keep reading leave a comment with the email address you would like to use when checking my blog. You can also text or call me or FB me and let me know. If I don't know you and you want to keep reading just let me know you aren't a weirdo. I'll give it a couple of weeks. If you don't want to keep reading, no problem! I don't want you anyway... ha ha, jokes people. I know everyone is busy with their own lives, let alone keeping up with mine. I basically make time for The Kardashians and that's it these days... oh, and my sisters. 

Well there it is. 

xoxo  pp

10 April 2015

Born On The First Day of Spring

When I went to see my midwife on my due date for my 40 week appointment I told her that I have two special talents: making cookies and having over due children. But, considering Greta was barely even a day over due, I'm not sure I can count the latter anymore. Cookies though? Yes, I am still good at those.

There is something about giving birth that makes you want to turn around and do it all over again. At least for me that's how it is. I remember mentioning this to Dan the first time, when it was sweet little Jude in the bassinet beside my hospital bed three years ago. I felt the same way after Greta was born. Oh the love hormones! If somebody sold them on the street, I'd be an addict. Who wouldn't?!

A couple of months before Greta was born I was talking with one of the midwives about how I wanted to have a natural birth but was still nervous about all it entailed. I asked her what some of the best coping mechanisms were because I thought Hypnobirthing was worth a fat pile of worms, and she suggested positive affirmations to help strengthen my mind- she told me I had to believe that I could do it. So for a couple of months before Greta was born I kept telling myself that I was strong enough, that I could do it, and I kept picturing what it would be like after she was born- me, Dan, and Greta all snuggled in tight in my hospital room (missing my Jude boy though, sad face). I had to believe that I could do it and I did. When all was said and done though, Greta's birth felt just like Jude's, only shorter. My epidural was ill placed with Jude and I felt it all 3 years ago as well. I'm still perturbed I couldn't get a discount on my anesthesia service, I mean, honestly. 

So lets get this down for the record. Thursday evening I was having mild contractions. I could talk through them and walk through them but I could also feel them. I say they were about a 3 out of 10 on the pain scale. I didn't even bother timing them until about 9pm as they were pretty erratic until about then. They were about 8 minutes apart, sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less. After timing them for 2 hours I called the midwife on call, who happened to be Wendy- the same midwife that attended Jude's birth (!), and she told me to time for another hour and see what happens. I thought I'd try to go to sleep, but they were juuuusssst strong enough that I couldn't sleep through them. So timed I did and they remained about the same. I called her back and she said she thought I would be having a baby tonight. Yay! Ouch!

We got everything ready that we hadn't yet, then woke up Jude to take him over to my sister friends house to spend the night. I was so grateful the contractions weren't incredibly painful yet, as it enabled me to leave the house without forgetting anything and gave me time to cuddle my Jude one more time before he became a big brother. A tender mercy really. Dan got Jude all settled in then we were on the way to the hospital. Dan called his mom from the car and I text all my family to let them know we were on our way. I thought it was kind of ridiculous to be going to the hospital in such a calm state because the last time I did this there was nothing calm about it. But to the hospital we went anyways, while mildly contracting, and the whole time we kept remarking to each other that we couldn't believe this was actually happening. I still can't believe it actually happened.

Wendy met us at the entrance and I got ready to get all checked out. Turns out those baby contractions got me all the way to a 6 and 100% effaced. What, what!!? Go body. It was wonderful to not have to really feel my uterus doing all that work. I mean, it meant I had to be 40 weeks and 1 day pregnant, so there are compromises, I guess. It's actually a compromise I'm happy to make because hello, birth is no joke. Because I was so far along I was readily admitted to the hospital. It took at least an hour to get all my paperwork done and all the while I was having small contractions, by this point it felt like at 4/10 on the pain scale. Once I was all checked in Wendy suggested she break my water and I was more than happy to let her do it. That was an odd sensation.

Wendy and all the nurses left Dan and I alone to pace around the room and wait for more progress. I swear, the second the room was empty my contractions started full blast. Holy freaking cow, I was in labor and it was intense. With every contraction I concentrated so hard to keep breathing, and I worked so hard to tell myself I was strong enough and that I could do this. Just like last time, I really didn't want anyone touching me or helping me... I just held on to the counter and breathed my best yoga breath until all of a sudden I started pushing and it was still just me and Dan in the room. Right before I started pushing I remember saying "I don't like this...". That must have been transition. Poor Dan, he asked me if I needed anyone and I really couldn't communicate. After the 3rd contraction of pushing I told him I did indeed need someone and then all of a sudden the L&D room was filled with nurses and Wendy and everyone was prepping everything really, really fast. It was so surreal I felt like I was in a movie.

The thing about pushing is it's really hard and it's really painful. I remember Wendy telling me she could tell I was fighting the urge to push harder. And I was! Ha ha, I totally remember thinking that if I just used my fabulous yoga breathing skills I wouldn't have to push and maybe my baby would come out? Ha ha, if only. She called me on it and helped me direct my energy to where it needed to be. Two more pushes and out came the sweetest little baby- an hour and 12 minutes after my water was broken. Not bad, body (and ps- I'm still so proud of you)!

Now, because I've already told you far too much about my lady parts, I may as well finish up with a funny over share. You've made it this far already so why not. I was really hoping that I wouldn't tear with this birth, but well, I did. What can ya do? As I was snuggling my fresh little one and Wendy was putting me back together again I felt lots of pokes and pulls which is never fun. I think by this point I was nursing Greta and at the next poke, I said "Wendy, there are only a few things that I like happening down there and this is not one of them!". Everyone had a good chuckle and Dan got a little shy ;). The jokes, they just never stop.

Once everything was finished up and we took our pictures, it was just me and Dan drinking in the magical high of giving birth to a fresh soul.  Finally holding that brand new baby in your arms that you worked so hard to make and so hard to birth is the most surreal and spectacular feeling I have ever experienced. I truly wish that everyone who wants to feel it gets to. And I know this sounds crazy, but I'm kind of jealous of all those pregnant mama's who get to give birth- there is absolutely nothing like it.

So welcome to the world my sweet Greta Girl, my sweet spring bud! I had fun growing you and now I can't wait to raise you.

{I'll add some pictures soon!!}

30 March 2015

The Day Before

Dear Jude,

The day before you became a big brother was a Thursday. We woke up that morning just like we do every morning - with you coming into my room asking me if Daddy is home. Of course he was already at work so we continued downstairs for "dinner" after I got some pants on and brushed my teeth. We ate and watched a show and then retired to my bed for yet another show and a "regular" milk so I could take a shower. I took a nice hot shower, which made my 40 week pregnant body even more puffy but I didn't care. So what if I couldn't bend my fingers afterwards, at least it was relaxing. As I was getting ready I kept checking on you and you didn't even spill your milk! It must have been an omen that today was going to be a good and special day. 

Once we were both ready we played and played downstairs. You wanted to get all the pillows and put them at the bottom of the stairs and jump off the third step up, because that is the highest I'll let you go. We collected pillows from wide and far and then you jumped and jumped, each time checking with me that you were on the right step... "is this the one Mommy?". After the jumping we played the "cover Jude in pillows and try to go to sleep" game. I'd cover you up and then try to lay down on my pillow bed but it would always start giggling and jiggling. Then you'd pop up and laugh and laugh, asking to do it again. So we did. I'm not gonna lie, I took a few selfies too, because my hair looked good, and then I realized it was time for my Midwife appointment. 

You burned through a couple snacks on the car ride there and then through a couple lollipops once inside. They took my vitals and then you asked if I needed to go pee pee in a cup again, and yes, I did. You always think that's funny... probably because it is. Then we got to hear your sister's heart go "ba-boom, ba-boom" and you patiently watched a show while my Midwife put her hands all up in places that aren't too comfortable to have hands in. Oh well. 

On the way home you recognized The Mall and asked if we could stop at the park just in front of it. We still had some time before "dinner" so I said yes as we turned right. Of course I took the wrong exit so we had to circle around the whole darn mall all the while you were asking me "mommy, why we go this way? did you make a wrong turn?" Ha ha, I did, but we got there. You ran and ran and climbed and slid. Besides having to stop to change a poopie diaper on a park bench mid play, you had a great time. I let you stay longer than usual because there was just something about this Thursday that I knew was a little different, a little special. 

Dad was working form home that afternoon and I wanted a burger so bad I could taste it, and you wanted french fries and water. A quick call to Dan to let him know I was brining home 5 Guys for lunch and we were set, fries and burgers it was! We ordered it to go which you were not happy about. French fries and water should be eaten AT 5 Guys, not at home. You cried all the way home because I wouldn't let you eat where you wanted. I mean, kid, I can only do so much. Once you saw your Daddy at home you perked right up though and joined us for some "dinner" followed by a much needed nap. 

The thing about Dad working from home is that I actually need to get you out of the house because you cannot leave the guy alone, which I understand. When you woke up we went for a nice long walk and you were actually really excited to sit in the stroller the whole way there and back. We stopped at Starbucks for a cookie and some water (I know, I know.. lollipops and cookies.... it was a special day, okay?) and you were a perfect gentleman, climbing behind the arm chairs and trying to have sword fights with stir sticks. On guard indeed! Again you let me push you all the way home and I started having little baby contractions. 

That evening was pretty normal, "dinner" (again ;) ), a bath, play time, stories. The whole time I was having little baby contractions but I was still able to be present and have a good time with my favorite Jude Boy, so I did. After we put you to bed I started timing my contractions around 9pm. They were nothing terrible and completely bearable so I waited a couple of hours before I called The Midwife. Once we decided tonight was the night, I text my sister friend and told her you'd be over soon. It was a real treat to leave the house that night experiencing only mild contractions so we could get everything ready without having to panic. I held you in my arms in the living room, stood still, and cried. It was the last time we would leave the house as a family of 3 and to be truthful I was all torn up over it. 

For 3 years Jude, you have been my whole world and it has been the greatest pleasure I've ever known. Our last day together of just us was so so so special, I'll never forget it.